Last night, while the kids were in the bath, my husband was being a goofball and popping out from behind a door making funny faces, causing them to shriek with adorable, bubbling laughter. I was sitting in our bedroom, folding the washing and enjoying the spectacle. He came into the bedroom and while we were chatting he commented that he thinks a lot about the legacy he will leave as a father.
My immediate thought was ‘that is really good!’ Of course I want the father of my children being aware of the impact he is leaving on our kids.
This thought was quickly followed by another….
“I don’t think about the legacy I’m leaving on our kids a whole lot”
Whoops. I mean, I should be, right?
I did when I was pregnant, I even wrote down the sort of mother I wanted to be. My notes were filled with good intentions, to create a happy home filled with love, security and acceptance of my children and whatever they wanted to be. I also (now I realise, stupidly) wrote down little details about how my children would behave, like I had a choice or could hope to mould them so clearly.
But time for those dreams is a thing of the past. Time to wistfully imagine my perfectly endless compassion and patience as a mother does not factor into my day to day, real life actual mothering. Now, don’t get me wrong its not that I don’t still want all that, but do I actually achieve that daily? I’m not sure. It’s hard to think about it or assess it between getting everyone dressed and fed, doing hair, and packing the dishwasher for the 3rd time that day. So, what will be my legacy?
As I was sitting there, methodically sorting and folding the washing with a careful eye on my girls playing in the bath, I took a breath (shout out to my meditation teacher Cath Guilesspie for that little lifesaving tip!). And that helped me to step off the perfectionist panic train in my brain. I realised what my legacy will be.
It will be being there.
And now stop, I don’t mean that in any amazing, betty home-maker, always mindfully present kind of way. Cos that’s not me, at all. But I definitely always go and check on them after the 5th time they call out, or when the crying really escalates to the point that I’m worried the neighbours might complain, or if there’s blood. I’m always prompt if there’s blood.
No seriously, I really mean, just being human and doing it in front of them. Like making mistakes, like crying, like dancing a little crazy to ‘shake it off’ or belting out Adele’s “Hello” while they watch in a mystified horror. Like having an argument with my husband and then finding a resolution, showing them it’s ok to have a strong opinion and stand up for it, and also the importance of understanding and compromising. They are watching me devote time to building my business, learning the importance of hard work and doing something you believe in. They see my husband and I commit to sports and sometimes that means, time away from home but I hope they are learning the value of staying active and getting involved.
Legacy will be what it will be, it is not generated in a day, or a week. It is the sum of all your actions. And no amount of diary writing or wishful thinking will probably impact it. It’s nice to think about it occasionally and do a little assessment of how I’m tracking, but at the end of the day, being there and being human, the good and the bad, will demonstrate the greatest strength and is the best legacy I can leave behind. Phew! xx
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