So, confession time, I occasionally can be seen loitering in the ‘self help’ section of a book store. I actually find it fascinating, I am always sucked in to the opportunities for bettering my life and filled with an exciting sense that can only be described as “turning over a new leaf”. Here is the ‘self help’ section of my personal bookcase:
(Oh, I feel a bit naked now!)
So, you may have spotted in my collection, Gary Chapman’s classic book ‘The 5 Love Languages’. For those of you who are not familiar with the 5 Love Languages, here they are listed below:
-Words of Affirmation
-Acts of Service
The premise of the book is that most people identify with a particular love language and that is how they like to receive, and generally the default way that they give, love! So for example, If your love language is gifts, you like to buy people you love gifts, that is how you communicate your love. And generally, you expect gifts in return to feel loved. If your partner is speaking a different language, for example, is missing a night out with friends to be home with you watching a movie because his language is ‘Quality Time’, but you never get a look in, in his weekly shopping list, then we have a mismatch and fireworks can begin (the bad kind, not the good ones).
Now I think I bought this book about 2 years into my relationship with my now husband, so no kids on the scene, not even a ring on the finger and still living separately. I distinctly remember identifying myself as a ‘Physical Touch’ linguist, I loved to feel the comfort of strong arms embracing me or the feel of his rough hands interlocked with mine as we walked down a street. My husband was a ‘Words of Affirmation’ kind of guy. This was interesting to us and fuelled a few good D&M’s (probably late at night over the cordless phones!) but I can’t recall there being much else to note. However, I do remember being very critical of the ‘Acts of Service’ language. Let me explain…
Acts of Service refers to physically doing things for your partner as a way of showing you love them. For example, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, taking out the rubbish, folding a load of washing. As a young independent woman in my early 20’s (who still lived at home and had very few responsibilities), I thought this was extremely mundane and old fashioned. How could anyone possible interpret that as passion? As an act of love? And what sort of person would you be if you expected that of someone you loved? I thought that meant you basically wanted a slave. I vowed never to speak that love language and proudly ticked the box ‘Physical Touch’ (so much more romantic!)
Then, I moved out of home…
And had kids….
Now; I would strip naked for a man who folds a load of my washing. Now; there is nothing sexier than my husband voluntarily cleaning up the kitchen and placing a fully cooked breakfast in front of me. Now, I get ‘Acts of Service’ as a love language. Oh boy, do I get it.
And Physical Touch? Well, as a mum, I have been smothered, physically, for 7 and a half years. I have revelled in the softness of their skin, their pudgy arms clinging to my neck, their soft kisses all over my face, their little hands wrapped around my fingers. I regularly bury my face in their soft tummies to blow raspberries and they nudge their hard little heads under my chin and into my chest. I receive love through physical touch by the truckload, so I don’t actually need it from my husband.
This paradigm shift in our relationship took a lot of figuring out (I’m making it sound easy here) and quite a while to get our heads around. The very rhythm of how we loved each other had to change as our needs changed. And between work, study, breastmilk, nappies, houses, kids and sleep deprivation it was hard to see things so clearly.
But we got there, and lucky for me, now on a weekend morning…I get both my favourite love languages, hugs in bed with the kids while my husband cleans the kitchen and cooks breakfast!
Now, you’re speaking my language!
For resources and help with shifting your relationship after you have kids, check out this website:
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